Month: November 2015

Just last night I was thinking about how the “if it turns out to be something” and “if it’s anything you’ve caught it early” I’ve been hearing from the doctors and friends/family, means something. It means I might be walking around with a 1cm circle of cancer in my right breast. Cancer. That feels like it should be a foreign word to me but its sickly familiar and almost expected. I feel like I’ve crash at 100 miles an hour into the legacy I was pretending I’d out run. Because that’s what cancer is to the women in my family. An unfortunate legacy that means my grandma died young, way before her kids were grown; and it means my mom died young, so young. It’s a harsh moment to be confronted with. My incredulous self at 18 and 20 and 21 was adamant and full of pride that I was going to break that dreadful chain. I was proud and loud and unafraid.

One of my favorite quotes by an author I love is about acceptance, and she says “Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.” And she’s right. In this small quiet room I am letting go of my naive bravery and accepting that I am scared and accepting that being certain in the face of nothing, was never really certainty at all. Even though I am scared I am now very certain, faced with mortality and feeling the weight of my mother and her mother on my shoulders — that like them I am going to do whatever it takes. And I am not going to let my fear keep me immobile and thanks to advances in medicine, “even if it’s something”, even if it’s fucking cancer, I’m going to be okay.

I wish that hospital waiting rooms could get their shit together. No, no one wants to casually flip through County Home or Scene Magazine while waiting. Especially waiting rooms past the first waiting rooms. Did you know that, there are waiting rooms just past the initial waiting rooms? I think unless you have been to hospital for tests before and not just to your Internist or Primary Care Physician you may not know these places exist. The second level waiting rooms really suck. Not only are the half-assed attempt a magazine selections greatly diminished but when you ask about bringing your boyfriend back with you they say no because other women have tied hospital gowns and pants on. How was this overlooked by hospital design or hospital patient experience staff? I think I hummed and drummed out the tune of Selena Gomez’s “Same Old Love” 100 times while waiting in the purgatory of second level waiting rooms. Not because I am a huge closet Selena fan (but damn that song is catchy) but because I needed  something, anything to distract myself. So, hospitals, can you please get it together? If you’re a prestigious hospital like the one I go to in downtown Chicago the jig is up. I know you have the money and the donations to make this possible. What am I looking for you may ask? Well, for starters, let the boyfriends and the husbands come back. No one cares. They are all too wrapped up in their own minds and honestly could use the distraction of either talking to their partner or of staring at attractive men from their safely secured hospital gowns. Especially since in the second tier waiting rooms you can’t have your cell phone – seriously. Since the magnets in the machines that they zap you with get messed up by cell frequency. Also, how is it that the hospital does not have a bulk subscription to the top ten men and women’s magazines for their waiting rooms? I’m sure the magazine companies, and hell, even the New York Times at this point would like the paper subscriptions from hospitals across the country. I’d also like lounge chairs, love seats and couches. Get rid of the horrible chairs. Those shit chairs can be for the front line waiting rooms. That’s it really. Maybe some Pandora station of happy music but that I could take, or leave.

You might think I am being a brat or sounding entitled, after all, not everyone has access to the top-notch hospitals and healthcare I am referencing here. However, as I also mentioned these businesses also have a lot of money and what I am suggesting would not put a dent in the resources spent on medical equipment, research and the salaries of doctors and nurses. Especially because of the greatness that is bulk purchasing and also, companies will cut deals for hospitals. Because as a healthy 28 year old woman who was sitting humming to herself in those waiting rooms, waiting to get her breast squeezed, pushed and prodded for something my MRI picked up last week, I could have used those extra touches of comfort and distraction. Especially since I didn’t know the doctors and have never had some of the procedures done before. I’ll unfortunately be back in about a week and a half for some more scary tests. I am thinking seriously about asking to leave  message for the Hospital Operations department to let them know what I think they’re lacking. One thing’s for sure, I’m bringing my own magazines this time.