Category: Thoughts

So I’ve been doing exactly what you told me not too. The past few weeks I haven’t fully engaged in life, and maybe I haven’t ever since the day you passed away, if I’m honest. The best way I can describe it is I’m skimming along the surface, not 100% present in any activity that I’m doing. I’ve had the same issue of “not being able to engage” when i try to dream about you as well. That has never happened any time in my life before…. I wonder what you would say about that…… My gut tells me you would say that “I’m not processing and accepting the situation. Not processing your passing”. I think that’s pretty accurate because if I sit alone and think about it, or write any thoughts about you it doesn’t take long before I tear up…..My work ethic has also suffered quite a bit lately, I find myself thinking about your advice for work very often. Sometimes It feels like what I should do, like what I need to do to enjoy life more….. I’ll keep thinking about that. It would be such a big change….

Anyway we had a big party tonight, definitely missed you. I think Steve really liked Ellen’s parents, pretty sure you would really have liked them too…. Hopefully I’ll see you at our next monthly meeting.

My first 2 attempts at dreaming about you have not worked. But tonight I can feel your presence. I’ve herd your voice in the back of my head lately, more almost as a manifestation of my own conscience. I’m not sure what to make of this.

Its undeniable though. I feel your joy about a decision my mom and I made tonight, about a direction we took. I could here your words “good boy Sammy, thanks for listening” you also offered to help guide us through the process which I gladly accepted and appreciated. When I asked you if you had any other advice you had the following. “Steven Don’t do it alone”. Alex “its about time”….Time for what? I didn’t catch that last part or I did I just forget…. “Linda enjoy the twins they are a blessing” (did you mean triplets or were you trying to warn us about something?)

—Update—

Maybe you were telling me to talk to Alex, that its about time I do that. After a conversation with Steve tonight this dot connected for me, I think you were saying “Alex its about time” as in its about time to reach out to him and talk with him.

sometimes, usually late at night, I stop and think about how you are gone.  How the world just keeps turning and life continues on.  I don’t know if I will ever get to see you again, and that scares me.  The finality of it all is hard to fully comprehend. In my normal day to day life I don’t feel like you are gone.  I feel like I simply have not hung out with you in a while. I get the urge to email you every now and then.  I think deep down I really just can’t believe that I wont be able to ask you any more questions, won’t be able to get your input on life…. there will be no more thanksgiving dinners with  you trying to weasel me into bringing a date….. its all pretty overwhelming if I let myself stop to fully embrace it.  I have grief, and regret that I didn’t spend more time with you.  But mainly I just miss the future fun times we would (should) have been able to have.  I catch myself thinking about my Mom and You a lot as well, I know you were her best friend.  I’m not sure how to help her or comfort her.  I’m not really sure how to help or comfort Steve either. I want to, I should have asked you how I could help Steve and Alex the last time we hung out.  That visit was so much fun.

I’m going to try to keep living with purpose, and not float through days.  The last promise you asked me to make (well the second to last one at least) I’ve been working on that a bit.  Its still kind of scary and I’m not positive if I will end up doing it, but at the very least I have a little bit of a plan in place so that’s something.